Heartache

"Fuck off, Shantanu! Why do you always do this?"

"I never meant to hurt you. I am so sorry!"

"I want to have nothing to do with you ever. You're a bastard!"

"But I don't even know where things went wrong. Is it irreversible? Does it have to be like this?"

"Yes. Get out of my life, Shantanu. Please"

I could hear the pain in her voice. I wish I could stop the tears streaming down her beautiful face. I loved this girl like crazy. I just wanted things to be okay, I just wanted her to smile that million dollar smile I fell for three years back. But she was not going to smile, not at me at least. I have to accept that maybe things are not meant to be. I hated myself for letting it even get to such a turn. Time had been my slave and I took it for granted. Now I was paying a price, a price too heavy to recover from.

Love is something I could never understand. How could something so perfectly defined to bring infinite joy into our lives end up bringing unimaginable heartache and pain? It had felt so amazing to drown into the emotions of attraction, attachment and intimacy. Now, just lifting myself seemed like the most difficult thing. Beautiful moments crowded my moist eyes.

Walking across a busy street to a roadside nariyal paani waala. She loved drinking it and I loved watching her lips hold onto the cheapest straws in the world. Fifteen bucks so totally worth it. Dropping her home in the rain and watching her run back inside her porch only to stop halfway, turn around to look at me and blow a kiss. Smiling the smile which made my knees jelly weak. Sitting next to her in a shitty movie, watching her enjoy the hero doing something ridiculous and being unbelievably happy just because her perfume smelled so nice and her fingers enclosed mine perfectly. Taking walks endlessly, talking about nothing in particular and feeling very proud of myself for cracking jokes that made her laugh. I think she just laughed to make me feel good. Feeling like the luckiest guy in the world when we went out together and all eyes would be on the pretty girl who had her arm around mine. Feeling even luckier when we got back in the car and her tired head would rest on my shoulder as I drove back with the goofiest smile plastered on my face.

And now she stood there crying, pushing me away. I wanted so bad to turn things around. But sometimes, you don't get what you want. I definitely did not deserve her. She turned around and walked away. My mind clouded, my vision blurred and I fell to my knees. She did not stop half way, no smile no kiss. She disappeared. I felt a 50 kilo weight ram into my chest.

My heart was bleeding...

My Friends.

Millions of books have been written, millions of TV shows ( one named by the very word) been made, a day in the year dedicated to, thousands of sms's circulated daily and a lot more about one very very simple thing - friendship. The very joy of trusting and being trusted in a relationship bound by all yet no expectations can be in no way measured. I, for one, have always been extremely lucky to have made good friends wherever I have been.

I am in Pune for a week at a time at the most, and my friends being tied down by jobs it is hard to catch up. So we do plan a lot to get in a night of dinner, drinks, hookah, music bla bla. So as one can imagine, it took a lot of planning to set up a plan for last night. But in the end, all we did after dinner yesterday was just sit in Kunal's grandparents' living room shamelessly sipping on whiskey and talking about absolutely nothing of significance. We laughed, we engaged in screwing one another over embarrassing incidents of 5th grade which still affect us mind you, and we fought over the playlist Vedang had made. There was conversation about sex ( very enlightening and even more entertaining ), a random call to a girl, love gyaan and intellectual debates centering around ethics and politics. God knows why.

There was a hookah, double apple flavour and a messy Vedang who acted as if he knew how the whole contraption works. All he ended up doing was smell like an apple and burn his fingers. There was an uber confident Kunal who laughed at Vedang and showed him how it works. And then laughed at him some more while Vedang compiled a playlist which PJ described as 'gandaaa' later on. And yes, there was a cheesed off PJ who demanded the cigarettes stop. Who the hell cares what he demands. We blew them in his face. Literally.

And then there was me. Sitting in a corner. Eyes glancing from V to K to P. In that chaos I found comfort. In these three people, I found the meaning of friendship. I knew they were always there. The feeling of belonging was overwhelming. I smiled as I felt so light inside.

Or maybe it was just the whiskey...

A Start.

As a student at the Indian Institute of Management Lucknow, one might expect the exam system here to be a rigorous test of acquired knowledge. Its nothing close. Its just a test of how much you can cram up in one day. Like my friend Hansraj says, 'Saala roz subah aisa lagta hai fati polythene ke thaili mei paani bhar ke bhag bhag ke exam likhne jaate hain hum'. Disappointing. I expected more.

So, I finish my exams and come back to my room. Its always one of those moments you have been dying for the past week, continuously longing for that one moment of freedom. And when it does come, its nothing like you imagined. There is no relief, no happiness, no tangible expression of freedom.

Gets me thinking. Is it the same with everything you ever want? Once you get it, it doesn't really matter? Once you get into the institute of your choice, does it lose its charm? Once you marry the girl of your dreams, is she suddenly less beautiful just because she is yours? Once you get a job of your choice, does indifference creep in? Is it possible to live a life just wanting, getting and then wanting something else? Does that essentially mean that life has no place for happiness? Or have we just evolved into this greedy species? It is a scary scary thought. To say the least.

Anyways, I have to get packing and catch a flight home. Its been 3 heavy, long months! One term has seemed like a year with the amount of action. I cant wait to get home. Never wanted home made food more.

Or so I think...